A recent situation with someone close to us made me think about boundaries and why it is so necessary for us to have them. Boundaries help us understand two very important aspects of life and how we relate to others. Firstly, it gives me a greater sense of self because I realise who I am in relation to the world around me. Secondly, it helps me to determine my most important values and why I hurt so deeply when someone violates them. Many of us do not experience the freedom that healthy boundaries bring because we either do not have any clear boundaries ourselves or we have people in our lives who are not particularly eager to respect our boundaries. Both have their impact.
Dr Henry Cloud, in his book ‘Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to take control of your life’ says the following:
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with the consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our thoughts and clarify distorted thinking”.
Consider for a moment this sequence: Establishing clear and healthy boundaries —> Enforcing them when they are not being respected —> Living with the consequences.
This is one of the most difficult things anyone can ever do. But it is indeed the price of freedom and liberty. Let me suggest why this is difficult:
1. Establishing clear and healthy boundaries
In order for us to do this we must have a clear grasp of who we are and what we truly value. This only comes from a place of wholeness and being healed from much of what has caused hurt in our lives. We must also be clear on what truly leads to thriving relationships where respect, relational safety, love, and goodwill underpin our interaction with others.
2. Enforcing boundaries
This is challenging because it many times demands difficult conversations with those who are not respecting our boundaries. Because we are not comfortable having these conversations, we often let unacceptable behaviour go unchallenged or unaddressed or just allow ourselves to die a slow death inside.
3. Living with the consequences
This is difficult because many times people will make choices that will hurt you or you will make choices that hurt others. Sometimes we can anticipate someone’s reaction to what we are saying or how they will take something. Other times their choices and actions leave us deeply hurt because we did not see them coming. It is then that we have to decide if we will go back remove our boundaries and diminish our values or live with the consequences and the pain and loss it brings.
I know it is difficult but in the long run, you will be surrounded by people who love you enough to respect your boundaries and I hope we will all be people who can share in the lives of others as we seek to uphold and respect their boundaries and values. May we all take one step in the direction of having healthy boundaries and trust that God will grant us the blessing of thriving relationships.
Blessings
Nico